Ed's World/Chip's World

Some humour for those of us who are older...

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a new-born baby.'

'Really!? Like a new-born baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

 

 

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he! Didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
  
    After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
  
    On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
  
    'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

 

    Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember   
   
    Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
  
    'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
  
    'Sure.'
  
    'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 
  
    'No, I can remember it.' 
 
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' 
  
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
 
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.  
  
    Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' 
   
    Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,   
  
    The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 
 
'Where's my toast ?'

    A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?'
  
    'Yep!'
 
'Do I know her?'
 
'Nope!'
  
    'This woman, is she good looking?'
  
    'Not really.'
  
    'Is she a good cook?'
  
    'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
  
    'Does she have lots of money?'
  
    'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
  
    'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
  
    'I don't know.'
 
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
  
    'Because she can still drive!' 
 

    
Three old guys are out walking.
 
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
  
    Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
  
    Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

 

 

 An elderly gentleman...
 
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
  
    The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
  
    The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
  
    I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

 

 

    A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
 
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
  
    'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'  

 

 

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
  
    A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
  
    A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
 
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
  
    The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

 

 

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
 
'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'
  
    'Twelve thirty.'

 

 

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
  
    The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
  
    The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
 
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
  
    You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
  
    'Do you mean a rose?'
  
    'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Humour

It's raining today... so I'm catching up on some much needed homework - and thought I'd share some funnies with you...

People have been struggling to get to work on time in Edinburgh because of rain..... that's right, rain.  It's been raining here for several weeks now and there is an abundance of water (never mind it's been raining for 385 days a year for the past couple of millennia).  It isn't raining in this picture, but I somehow think the workers responsible for clearing the rain feel much this same way.

We all hope to be prepared for those little disasters that come out way, earthquake, flood or fire.  However, keeping something close at hand to wear might be a good idea.

We have a back yard now, which means we can have barbecue's (when it isn't raining - hopefully next year).  When we do, I hope to have some of these accessories.

And finally, we've all heard about global warming and I do try and do my part to fend off this disaster.  However, the picture below is makes me think global warming may not be such a bad thing....

Breast Implants

While I have often been moved by the sight of Eddie's bra it is nothing compared to what this poor teenager had to deal with...

Occasionally I go on a tirade on the other blog site about "new Classical music" - well, Joe Queenan says the same thing.. and says it very well.

More weird and wonderful bits from the newsroom.... A goat and a dog go for a walk... and (at the end) a house guest overstays her welcome.

Math is Sexy

Is math sexy? Hmmmm, I can't remember every seeing a sexy math teacher. I did have a "reaction" once while in math class, many years ago, but that had everything to do with the random "reactions" a teenage boy will have and nothing to do with the teacher or the math we were studying (beginning calculus). I was good at math (back in the day) and I still enjoy a reasonably good math puzzle now and again. Computers and software programming are filled with all sorts of math and logical aspects, so I wouldn't be good at them if I didn't enjoy it to some degree - but computer programmers are often seen as anything but sexy. However, music is also very mathmatical and I adore music - and yet, music is sexy... so...... hmmmm, maybe.

In an article on EZine, Joe Papano goes to great length to prove math is sexy. He does this by spending a fair amount of time dealing with the golden section, which is that "perfect" ratio that is believed to the key to nature in perfection. Well, if what is sexy can be defined as things that fit closely with this ratio then what is sexy can be defined mathmatically.

Somehow, I personally (in terms of music) think it all comes down to getting the climax down to the right moment. If it happens at the golden section, great... but it everyone involved reaches it at some other point, is it not still just as good? And when it arrives, I serious doubt if I'm thinking about the mathmatics of it all.

Other pages on the topic:
Boy on a blue boat
Taipai Times

Interesting note... there are no images associated with these articles, so maybe math isn't voyeuristic.

Celebrating Solstice

Having lived here in Scotland for six years, it seems every year we seem to get to the other side of the Summer Solstice without having made much notice of the longest day of the year, which seems odd coming from a sun worshiper like me. Anyway, this year Clarice was determined to do something. So plans were put into effect to go camping and enjoy the last remnants of sunlight in the wilds of Scotland.

Clarice's friend Andrew has a car so transportation was provided. We have 2 tents and a number of other "camping" utensils so that part was taken care of. Clarice requested hot dogs for our festive dinner which resulted in Eddie travelling 'cross town to ASDA (Walmart in Scotland) to get some. She also picked up some root beer (a uniquely American soda), Hersey's chocolate and marshmallows for "somores" - an American camping delicacy (we still had some graham crackers left from our last trip to the US). Toss in a map and we were ready.

Both Clarice and Andrew were working on Saturday so we didn't actually get on the road until 5:30pm - and it also hit us that 2008 is a leap year so our late start was actually already a day late. But, undaunted, we headed out.

The weather report for the weekend was rain Saturday evening with heavy rain coming at 4am Sunday with rain most of that day. The front was coming in from the south west, so likely to be very wet - but this also meant that the Northern most of the island might escape the rain until late on Sunday.

Since Eddie and I prefer to sit together, Clarice road shotgun and took charge of the map. She set the course across the forth road bridge and north. Andrew is familiar with crossing the bridge, so we didn't have any problems getting out of the city. However, at Perth the highway splits into one headed to Inverness (due North) and another one that heads to Dundee and Aberdeen (East Coast). Clarice didn't get the note Andrew in time so we ended up heading to Dundee by mistake.

No problem, there are plenty of A roads (smaller, two lane road that are, in Scottish terms, major roads, but for US drivers these aren't even moderate sized state highways) to choose from to get us back to the right M road (motorway, like a US Interstate). After several attempts at getting us back on track, and many winding roads later, the time had slipped away and we ended up in deciding we should just find a place to stop. The rain had already started, light but enough to let us know if we didn't get camp set soon we would get very wet.

Eventually, at about 9:30 we wound up near Loch Tay and the Tay Forest Park, just outside of Aberfeldy. The spot was lovely, covered by a number of trees with lots of ferns for tent padding. Andrew also brought another tent so we had something to use as a cover for cooking and eating - to keep us from getting too soaked before bedtime. Andrew also found a bunch of dry wood (which amazed me as most of the forest was fairly soaked by this point) so the fire was lovely - and dinner, hot dogs, vegi's and crisps, was lovely. The graham crackers were crunched at some point, so the somores ended up in pieces - not necessarily easy to eat without getting marshmallow goo all over our fingers. But that's what camping's all about, isn't it?

After dinner we realised it was nearing midnight. I hadn't really notice the change in light as the dark clouds obscured the sun earlier, so by the time we were setting up camp it was pretty dark.

What with the rain and cold it was necessary to take care of some bodily functions before heading to bed. We were in a forest, so lots of trees. But we ended up with only two pin light torches (flashlights), so toilet runs were done in shifts. Although Clarice brought her toothbrush, she told us she was out of toothpaste - and so we summarily forgot to bring ours. Oh well, it would have just ruined the taste of chocolate and marshmallow anyway.

Finally snug in our respective beds/sleeping bags the sky decided to open up and let loose a rain that would have made Noah wonder. The rain fell on our nylon tents for at least a solid hour - until the sound became so continuous it was like falling asleep to white noise.

At approximately 4am, nature called again. Wisely, Eddie had brought along slippers so she wouldn't have to put her wet shoes back on for a trip outside the tent. However, anything in our tent that touched the side walls allowed the rain water to flow in. Her slippers, along with the bottom edge of our comforter and the top edge of our pillows were all items that were playing conduit to the rain. Eddie had to wring out the slippers before she could even put them on. I was more fortunate. My shoes were right outside the tent and so I just had to turn them over to empty the majority of the water in them.

Once we'd returned, we realised getting back under the covers (remember, they are wet around the edges) was a bit more of a challenge than we'd expected. If Eddie found herself safely avoiding any wet spots, I would not be so lucky. If I then adjusted so I was no longer feeling anything cold and damp, these adjustments would pull the covers in such a way that Eddie was forced to deal with effects of the weather. For the remaining four hours we jostled and squirmed our way though the night.

Clarice was due to work in Edinburgh at 2pm, so we had to get up and start heading back by 9am. There was a plan to cook bacon for bacon rolls (a typical Scottish delicacy) but it was still raining slightly and no one seems to have had a real decent night's sleep. So, we packed up - attempting to take a much of the damp forest floor with us as possible.

Once in the car and the heater on, the damp clothing played havoc with the windows, fogging them as well as the dash board. Clarice requested we find a bathroom so she would wash up and use the hand dryer for her hair (and clothes). But, rather than head back the way we came, we opted to go down the length of Loch Tay down to the falls of Dochter (where were pretty amazing) and then more A roads across to Dunfermline, which means we found lots of small towns, but nothing with a service station or open store.

However, Dunfermline is large enough to have a Primark (great discount clothing store… which Edinburgh has yet to achieve…. ) as well as a centre of town with a McDonalds and a Greg's (Scottish Fast food - sausage and bacon rolls). We found a parking spot and noticed there didn't seem to be any water on the streets. It seems the rain hadn't yet arrived to Dunfermline yet. Hmmmm…. However, once we were out of the car, it did. We walked into a mall under reconstruction. Unfortunately, while the bathrooms were functional, the hand dryers were not. The urge to have a bacon roll was still really strong, but so was the desire for a bathroom with hand heaters. So, rather than eat breakfast at Greg's, we opted for lunch at McDonald's - it was just passed 11 o'clock by this point.

After a nice "brunch" and liberal use of the hand dryers we climbed back in the car, back across the bridge and home. Clarice was home in time to have a nice shower (clean off the smell of smoke) and get to work. Eddie and I spent the rest of the afternoon hanging up the tents on the clothesline and the bedding on any available door. Then we settled down next to the fire to read our books and enjoy the smell of wet dog.

The rain did eventually get to Edinburgh - Sunday evening, which washed of the remaining bits of the forest that hadn't been rubbed off in Andrew's car.

And so, we did celebrate the Summer Solstice. Perhaps it was a day late and a bit wet, but it was certainly memorable!

In the kitchen

For those of you who don't know, Eddie has been made redundant at her work which means she is home every evening now.  She's home during the days too, but she was before.  Now that she's not trapsing off to work 4 nights a week I get to enjoy her company.

The few weeks leading up to the concert she also did a majority of the cooking - which I very much appreciated (mostly because she's a better cook - but also because it allowed me to focus on getting the rehearsals done and really paying attention to the music). 

Ok - concert's over (look at http://interchangingidioms.blogspot.com for more details about how that went) - and no reason for her to continue doing all the cooking.  So, I've taken my hand at preparing a few meals.  Meal loaf on Monday was a success.  Fish last night wasn't bad, but the house smelled like fish until well after bedtime (not pleasant). 

And then there is this, which isn't really what happens when I cook - but indicative of how I feel things are going when I cook.  

Kissing...

Kissing is likely my favourite pasttime. And with Valentine's Day coming, I look forward to the excuse to getting in a few extra. Here's a lovely little article about just that.. Kissing.

Secrets to a long life

My wife and I have long had a passionate relationship and not always the kind that makes for lurid tales or saucy novels. We've had our share of barn burners too! And now it seems this passion may just be the fountain of youth, or at least the elixir for long life.

However, sometimes when you're sick you need a shot in the arm, or at least that's what Congress and our lamb duck President thinks the ecomony needs. $150Billion Dollars is a drop in the bucket compared to the $2 Trillion for the Iraq war. If the budget is getting a shot in the arm, what's Iraq getting - major reconstructive surgery???  And I'm not sure how war contributes to a long life (unless you keep reading).

Other's suggest that the secret to long life might just be due to inbreeding....????

Other options:
   Live life to the fullest - sounds like "fear nothing, as it's only the last thing you do that kills you..."
   Enjoy Every Day - because you never know which one is your last?
   Poetry, Friends and Family - got the last two, but not sure what the first one has to do with it.
   14 Drinks a day - Oh yea!... I think I could certainly work on this one!
   Fish and Chips - having just shed 12kgs by cutting out such things, if this is the secret, I'm screwed!
   Mind your own business - oh, if this were the case, President Bush should have died long ago!!!

Ultimately, I think it comes down to - If you're gonna out live everyone else, you have to kill them all off first! (At least this is the avenue Bush is taking)

quick laughs and a bit of news

Vacations are hard to plan. Living half way around the world from family and friends, there is always the tug to go home. Then there is the desire to see exotic places. However, when it comes right down to it, it all ends up being what's affordable.   

Our last holiday was to see family and that's always nice - but then after a while...it feels a bit claustrophobic. Ah, but it reminds me of traveling with the Royal Stuarts and nights in the tent.

Speaking of which, there is a "Royal Stuart Society"  nothing like our old group - but odd to do a search on Google and not find our old site listed.  Of course, since our site no longer exists, that's not really all that odd.... 

Now Eddie and I are studying music, which has opened whole new worlds of wierd.  Bugs Bunny on Broadway???  But that doesn't mean the music is easy.  IMHO, the new classical is film music.  Although, breaking into the business is difficult when already established names are trying their hand at composing, while other's return to the scene for some unknown reason.

The other day I mentioned having seen August Rush and how lovely the music was... other's agree.  There is a new age in music dawning - electro-accoustic music which is more rhythmic, tonal (sounds that actually have pitch in some sense) and yet, feel (when matched with film images) organic in the sense they are made up of sounds found in the environment portrayed in the film rather than instruments in a studio.  I'm not sure I'm ready to tackle this new medium, but it's coming as more and more films are using the folie sounds wrapped within the score.

Updates on our life as seen through comics

Am I getting older and as such losing my mind?  No, I don't think so.  My memory has always been poor.  Eddie has tried some memory tricks to help me remember names or "important facts" but I struggle to remember the wee memory tricks.  When I do remember them they mean things other than what I was supposed to remember.

People complain about taxes in the UK.   Personally I've not found the invasion into my bank account any more instrusive than what we had in the US.  Governments like to spend our money.

We occasionally keep students who come to Edinburgh to learn English.  Since Eddie works 3-4 evenings a week, I am left to cook for the students.  This has helped ensure I actually eat a healthy meal in the evening - and has done wonders for my cooking confidence.  The students are always complimentary!!!

Over the course of our music studies, Eddie and I have struggled with the concept of "modern" music.  There is a wave of Electro-accoustic music or accousmatique music which uses sounds/recording to create sound scapes.  While I find some of these sound-scapes interesting and definately admire the sound design, I haven't yet come to terms with calling it music.  Eddie has become quite intrigued with it, however.  I have started to enjoy House music - which is a definate change in attitude from years ago.

After several weeks of packing boxes, and then a few more weeks of unpacking boxes, Eddie and I decided to take an evening to just relax.  We didn't go to the cinema (as often we do on free evenings), we didn't even spend time with our daughter - we just relaxed at home.  Ah silence. 

As it's Halloween, I thought I'd dress up for work.  This gave me an idea.... something to make me look a bit younger.   However, it turns out adults don't dress here in the UK, so I was stuck wearing the same old "business casual" I wear every day.   

Thinking about Halloween brought back memories of the kids... and the fun we had getting up in the mornings.  Somehow I think our roles were reversed.

I love puns and so, for my son who is hoping to be a cleric someday...